Which Art?

I took this picture while camping with Kevin last month. It was a peaceful Tuesday morning, and the sun came through the trees just right. This is from our own campsite, so what you see there is my neighbors for the three days we were camping.

Posting this picture today comes from a conversation with my best friend, where he and I were discussing art. His favorite artist is Edward Hopper because he likes the stillness of the paintings. I don't really have a favorite artist, probably because I don't know much about art or photography.

We were sitting there, discussing the work of Edward Hopper. He immediately begins to think of stories of the characters or the places. These paintings speak to him of a quiteness, or a loss (my favorite being "NY Movie"..that one speaks to me a story), but what I noticed first wasn't the story in the picture, but the composition. I noticed the colors, and how they blended, and how, especially in "NY Movie", there is a barrier between the focal point of a young usherette, and the rest of the movie goers. I notice the primary colors around her, and in her uniform. I notice the color tension and flow, but the first thing I see isn't the story. As a writer, shouldn't that be what I see?

As a writer, I feel I should automatically look at these pictures and wonder what these people are thinking, or what could have gone on here. Just as I am walking around a field, I should be able to see the Native American encampments that were there 200 years ago. I don't though. I see the waving of the tall grasses, and how the grasses begin to brown, feathering on top of the shaft. I notice how they bend in the wind, creating a brilliant ripple effect which reminisces of the ocean, and I rejoice in the ocean of the field.

I do not have any "artistic" talent, as far as drawing or painting goes. I took a class once, produced two paintings, and never really painted again, except for paint by number. Photography or cinematography may be my strong suit (as I may point out in the picture above, my favorite from the camping trip... so far.. I have to fiddle with some of the others). I took Photography in high school. I used to know how to create black and white photos with an old 35mm camera and process the film and develop the paintings.

I have been a poet and a fiction writer for as long as I can remember. I have been telling stories, albeit simplistic, since I was four, and my grandmother transcribed my very first story (about a black unicorn living in a white unicorn world). I write poetry quickly, but I don't think I'm superb at it, and most of mine could use some polish.

Photography speaks to me as a beautiful art, because the composition is there.

So, which art do I choose? I still don't know. I'll keep plugging away at my novels, dashing off my poetry... and admiring nature and life in my photography.

Living beyond

Living beyond.
Written at the Blue Angel, Windermere

Sylvia, why do you speak to me
Forever 31, while I am 33.
Is it that plane where

we live, together,
you and I
In sisterhood?

What becomes of me
Because you left,
Afraid

Of what life was
Or what life had become?
We never lived

together, for you
were 13 years
In Mother earth

before my tender feet
hit terra firma
But our kindred

ship is close
And I reach out
Through time

And grasp your hand
Wishing you had
Dared to live.

I feel I would be
better
If you were alive

As a guide
To this illness
And though the

napkin is removed
we still see the
beauty

That was your words.
And now Nick
joins you,

Not escaping your
genetic generosity.
No longer chasing

Dreams of a place
Where we find
Home.

Bipolar

Sometimes, it's like a wave
Where the highs are up and the tide breaks
And you can see the water nourishing
All of the little landscape around
But try to ignore
The life it is drowning beneath.

And when the tide goes down,
you see things differently
And have time to look and feel
But ignore the bloody footprints
Where the rocks cut your feet.

An Apology to my friends...

As I grow and learn, I find that my attention wanes from people. I have lost many friends due to this waning, though I am sure that I could walk back into their midst (and I have several times) and feel welcomed. However, no matter how many times I do that, I have noticed that I can never go back to these people and exist in the same capacity that I have previously. I find often that we have all moved on, that our lives are not the same, or I feel out of place. I hate the thought that comes that says that perhaps I have outgrown them, or the usefulness of that time and place has been spent. It makes me feel that I have used these people, but like a reunion, these people are strangers who you learn to make small talk with. It is unfortunate.

Many times, especially in my life, these friends have been summarily dropped as I chased after a boy. This happened many times in high school, in college, and even in my Second Life. I would make friends with a group of people, and as soon as one was singled out as "soul mate" material, the rest would become background noise as I focus in on the one voice, the one note that burns my heart.. until it is cast aside, as it inevitably is (and was). Then I look at my old friends and realize that they don't fit anymore because they were "his" friends.

I regret this deeply.

So, I have decided not to do that anymore. I can't begin to make up to my old friends who I have neglected in yet another chase after someone who I thought would be my soul mate again (who ended up being a really good friend instead, so at least I have that). However, I can start looking at myself and figuring out what I need to do to make sure that I maintain stability.

First, I need to not talk about "the boy" constantly. A really great friend said that this made me one dimensional, and I don't want to be one dimensional. I am the most important person in my life, and my friends are important too. I need to learn about them again and take pride in their works.

Second, I need to start taking pride in my own work and my own world! I've started taking classes at NCI to learn things, and I am actually learning! I've learned how to make jewelry and a flag... I'm thinking I may start raising some money... or at least designing some kick ass jewelry.

Third, my life has to be about more than Second Life. I don't live there (though, God, I wish I could sometimes. My house is gorgeous!) I have lesson plans, students, a wonderful, incredibly doting husband and a great many things to do that I can do in my real life. It's time I start focusing there once in a while (not that I'm gonna be there all the time. SL is wonderful!)

Ok.. so.. a few steps... I miss my friends and I want them back badly. It's time for me to become, at least two dimensional. There is life out there, and I'm going to grab it. I hope I get the golden ring.

Resolved to Write

I have participated, before, in Nanowrimo. I have 4 novels, none of them completely finished, with at least 50,000 words each written in them, but, as I said, none of them are completely finished. I would find myself getting to that last 5000 words and then realize that I wouldn't be able to make it to the ending that I had planned, and instead write the ending with my last 5000 or so words, leaving a big gap where the rest of the writing should have been. So, while I have completed Nanowrimo 4 times, I have not yet written a novel.

I am resolving myself to write. New Year's resolutions are often broken so quickly, and me without my deadline nor my chatroom full of cheerleaders, I fear I am setting myself up for disappointment. But what I do have is my own resolve, and a very close knit bunch of friends who are also writers, who are willing to help me in this endeavor.

This is how I'm going to do it:

1. I resolve to wake up every morning and write three pages of drivel just to get it out of me. During these three pages I will a) plan out my day b) vent about yesterday c) plan and plot. These three pages (also known as Morning Pages thanks to Julia Cameron) will be the small petty child that I am inside letting it all out, so that she doesn't bother me for the rest of the day while I attempt to be an adult.

2. I resolve to work my hardest at my job, and let that be a joy to me again, not an obligation, but a responsibility that I continue with pride. My students deserve better than I have been. I will not rush out the door to be on the computer unless I have a class that evening, but that is only on Mondays and Fridays (for now).

3. I resolve to be offline completely by 6pm every night so that I can have dinner in a timely manner and be upstairs and writing by 8pm. From 6-8 is Kevin's time. My friends will understand that my husband comes first in all things... and won't feed my addictions.

4. I resolve to write from 8-1o every night, not stopping to gaze out the window or day dream. I have a desk upstairs and a reason to use it. I will create worlds and characters that I truly can fall in love with and write every day.

5. I resolve to write one poem every day during my healthy lunch, which will be packed and ready to eat. This will keep my mind healthy.

6. I resolve to walk for half of my prep period, and spend extra time after school if I need it to grade and lesson plan. I will not waste this time, but instead check in on other teachers and visit my department chair and the library daily, as well as check my mail and talk to counselors and the psychiatrist about students that need help. (I may possibly get to know the office staff a bit better, as well as our new principal.)

7. For the other half of my prep, I resolve to read good literature, not Harlequin romances which do nothing more than give me a reason to escape my life. I need to use my gift for literary analysis to make my world better, not leave it.

So, this will be my resolutions, starting tomorrow... for now. I'm going to go eat chinese food and chocolate cake.

Lollipops and kisses!
TLW

Tabula Rasa

I start today not as the English teacher that I once was, but as the writer I am becoming. I am clearing away the debris of a past lifetime, looking not at the broken and twisted path that has led me to the place I have come to, but instead look forward to that golden shining valley of what I can become. I am, of course, going to pull my friends along with me and make them start publishing thier works too, because it's no fun to be in the limelight all by yourself.

Maybe it is time to really blog, really work on what I want to write, post passages of really well written stuff, and talk about what I am learning as a writer. I learn something every day, I think of new things every day. The only thing you won't find here is my work, but you may find links.

Speaking of links, I got confirmation today that I am going to be published in the online erotica magazine "Clean Sheets" (and if I knew how to do one of those nifty little HTML things where I could put a link in here, I totally would), but just google search Clean Sheets and go check them out. They were one of my favorite places to go when I was interested in having something fun to read. They asked me if I wanted a link for my bio, and so I created this blog to give them something to link to. I'm still not sure how often I'll use it, but it does seem to be a good place to put my ramblings about writing... and maybe some poetry I don't think I will ever attempt to get published.

Hope to see you around!